Hands Free Living

One thing I have always been concerned about is this loss of connection with the people sitting in front of us from being over connected to people a million miles away.  Social media/the internet/texting has always been a double edge sword for me.  I wrote about it before, here. Since Malakai was born I vowed to show her the importance of real human-contact relationships as well as being present in this ever distracted world of ours. But how could I possibly do this if I myself was so dependant and very much addicted to this distracted way of living? I couldn’t! I would be a total hypocrite. Like when parents tell their kids not to smoke in between inhalations of their export A golds.  And so, not knowing how to approach this, I do what I always do when in doubt – ask Google. (A very positive side of the double edge sword 😉 )

I started reading this book that google recommended (thank you, Google <3) by Rachel Macy Stafford called Hands Free Mama about a month ago now and have been practicing (TRYING to practice) her weekly intentions of living a “hands free” life. Basically a Hands Free way of living is throwing out any distractions that cause you to lose sight of what really matters in life such as favouring your phone/computer/work/to-do lists over your relationships with the people around you.  BINGO – this is exactly what I needed!!

I bought a cute little basket specifically for our phones that sits in the kitchen by my coffee pot and our family rule now is that the phone goes in the basket during every meal time and no matter if it rings we ignore until we are finished eating together.  I gotta say, I was the one that initiated this – telling Nick everything I was reading in the book – and he totally jumped on board and has become even more vigilant than I am with this rule!  Which can be annoying when he’s reminding me to put my phone away when he used to be worse than I was with it!

A few other things we’ve been trying is zero use of the phone while driving (this has been surprisingly easy), putting the phone away (in the cute lil basket) when someone is visiting, and not going on social media when the girls are awake.  This has been super hard for me but this book asks you to reflect on each attempt at living hands free and to count the things you would have missed if you were distracted by your phone/to-do list etc.  such as your child’s smile as she/he stacked that one last block atop a swaying tower, the look of excitement on your child’s face as she/he slides down the slide, an intimate talk with your husband/friend/brother/sister that could have been ignored except you noticed the look on their face that day and were present long enough to ask them what was wrong and to truly listen.

These moments are so simple but so important. It’s the little things that make life so incredibly great, isn’t it?!

Yesterday, we were at the indoor play park and there was a mother of three that was on her phone the entire time.  Her children were older, but they were begging for attention with “look-at-me”‘s and “mom-mom-mom”, and at one point the youngest even slipped hitting the back of her head so hard it echoed through out the place and both Nick and I were completely shocked when we glanced over at the mom, who did not even look up from her phone once, and watched as the little girl picked herself up holding her head and walked over to her mom to tell her what happened.  Now, I don’t know the woman’s situation and quite possibly that could have been me a few months back, but it just filled me with so much sadness and anger that I know with all my heart living hands free is the right thing for me and my family.

If you’d like to join me on my hands free journey, order the book or see if your library has it and we can talk about all the ups & downs along the way together! Or if you’d like to do this on your own, feel free – I am rooting for you!

Just a warning – this book will stab you in the heart with all it’s truth and make you feel guilty as F but it’s the truth that sets you free, right? And, I wanna be free! Hands free! 😉

 

Xo

 

The Scariest Thing

 “One of the scariest things in our lives is actually doing what we know we want to do.”

-Cheryl Strayed

 

I’ll just come out and say it. I want to be a writer. I am a writer. Except that I don’t write. Not for a long time now. And you may be thinking well you are writing right now, are you not?  Yes. But not what I want to write. I want to write novels, and screenplays, short stories, and maybe a TV series one day. I want to write poetry –oh, how I miss you poetry. I want to write a memoir.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing for my blog and I am SO thankful for following my heart (for once) and pursuing this as a creative outlet. It’s helped me get back to me and that is why this throbbing of the writing I’ve longed to do is causing chest pains again. 

I was soo scared starting this blog. But, eyes closed, breath held, I jumped in with two feet and I’m so glad I did! Now, sticking with this theme of staying true to me, being the best me I can be and paving the way for my girls to live life bravely and full of heart, I must do what I really want to do. I must put pen to paper and write. I must, as the fierce, bold and talented writer, Cheryl Strayed said, I must “write like a motherfuker” 

And, so, that is what I’ll do. 

15 Things I’m Lovin’ Lately

Here’s my list of 15 things I’m loving lately!

1. Sleep! I can’t get enough of it lately. I’ve been napping with the girls and going to bed with them at night! I’m kinda lovin the 8:30 bedtime & all the cuddles of course 😊 

2. Lipstick Jungle by Candace Bushnell author of Sex and the City. It’s just one of those books you could curl up on the couch for a whole afternoon and finish it in one sitting. I was in need of a good fiction!

3. The weather!!! Spring has sprung here in McMurray 😊 

4. Park dates. Since the weather’s been warmer we’ve been taking advantage and going outside before and after nap time. Luckily, we live literally a couple steps away from a park, but it can get boring (for me) going to the same spot 2x a day so today we ventured out and found a new park! It was so much fun! Malakai is getting so brave and was able to climb the slide for her first time ever with no help! I just love watching her doing her little lap of up one slide, run across play ground, down one slide, repeat 1038278493x 😊  She’s been loving it so much too, this morning she woke up saying “play, slide, boy?” Lol 

5. Walking/hiking the trails. We are also super fortunate to live right in front of the birchwood trails and we’ve been taking full advantage of it! When Nick was off last week we hiked from Thickwood to Timberlea and back everyday! My glutes are still sore! Malakai is obsessed too. We stop at this little creek and let her explore a little. We call it “Woukie time” (that’s her nickname) and every time we’re getting close to the spot and we tell her “okay, it’s woukie time soon” she kicks Nick like a horse and tries to jump up n down in the hiking backpack haha. It’s the cutest! When “woukie time” is over then it’s almost always a tantrum where she just lays face first on the ground and pretends we can’t see her 😂 One time we even tried walking far enough away where she couldn’t see us so she’d get worried and chase after us but nope. We stayed there for about 20mins just watching her explore and be totally okay with us being out of sight!!! Little stinker. She LOVES the outdoors.

6. Speaking of the outdoors. I have something I am working on and can’t wait to share with you guys very soon! Beyond excited!! 😊 

7. My family has been making healthier choices for eating/lifestyle and I am SO happy about this! I just love my family so much and I’m so excited they are making these changes to become healthier versions of themselves! ❤

8. Ellanor has started crawling backwards!!! One morning I put her in the middle of the rug in our living room then went to the kitchen to grab some water, came back and found her half way across the floor! So I watched her for a while and she lays on one side of her face like she’s ready to fall asleep then all of a sudden she jerks the other way and rolls over 😂 then she pushes herself up and back like a backwards caterpillar 😊 funniest and cutest thing I’ve ever seen. She’s a character that’s for sure. 

9. We will be celebrating my Mom’s 50th birthday this weekend! 

10. Malakai starts her gymnastics this month!

11. My Dad took Malakai to the park the other day and she was saying Grampa, Grampa, Grampa the whole time and even in her sleep that night, hah! She can finally say it! I love hearing all her new words ❤

12. My sister came over on the weekend and we made eggs & bacon & hashbrowns for supper and we talked all night about parenting and childhood memories. I had a really great time 😊 

13. My Little Bee’s personality is unfolding now. She is so clever and has so much sass. Sometimes she freaks me out over how mature she is! It’s like she understands way more than we know. She just has a wisdom in her eyes that is breathtaking. I can get lost in those big beauty’s so easily. She’s an old soul, my babe ❤

14. Every night we read a book, sing two songs and then say a prayer with the girls before bed and lately we wait for Malakai to guide us through the routine and she does it with such pride! We pretend we forget what’s next and she’ll give us a book or start singing the song we’re supposed to be singing and last night after our two songs were sung, we waited to see if she knew what was next and she clasped her little hands together and said in the sweetest voice ever “Pwayer” ❤😢 I just wanted to jump at her and squish her and kiss her over and over right then n there! And, my favourite, when we’re finished praying she says with a smirk on her face, Aaaaa-men! So loud 😂 I think she thinks we’re saying “the end” because she’s said “Amen” after a couple books we’ve read too haha but I love it! It’s my favourite part about bedtime 😊 

15. We are planning our first family camping trip for the summer!!! Can’t wait! 

Making these lists always makes me feel so happy and grateful for my life! I love it 😊 You should try it too! What are 15 things you’re lovin’ about life lately? 

 

Fear and Fire

I am currently partaking in a study being done concerning women who were pregnant during the 2016 wildfire in Fort McMurray. I am asked questions in which I have to reflect on and journal about.  I wanted to share with you one of my journal entries.

Here it goes:

*note: this is an edited version of my original entry*

My biggest fear was the fire.

I was born and raised in Fort McMurray. I have been here my whole 27 years of life and that has always been one of my biggest fears; having a fire and not being able to escape.  Thank God, we did. One of my biggest fears coming to life still feels surreal.  It feels like a movie that I could question actually even happening. That is, until I have a glance around and my sight is filled with thin black trees and the stories they tell.  I guess I have a fear of feeling trapped. And of feeling helpless. Feeling out of control.  Unable to protect my family.

During the evacuation, I would often stay up late at night unable to sleep, thinking about my hometown.  How it looks. If it is the same way I remember it. If it is even there anymore.  The place I learned to ride my bike. The woods and that little creek where me and my cousins would spend hours playing. The place I had my first kiss.  My favourite park.  Where I tried my first sip of alcohol with my friends.  Where I graduated.  The woods where we partied and the backyard I met my husband in.  Is it still there? The hospital where my family, myself, and my babies were born… is it still there? The house I grew up in… my house? Is it still there? Or is everything I love, everything I know, all the memories that make up my life, are they all gone?  I guess I had a fear of losing.  Losing everything. Materials, memories, life as I knew it.

Now that I’m back I don’t feel that as much. Lately, in the last couple of months I have been having nightmares that consist of either re-living the fire or being in some other situation where I am in danger and have to escape and each time I am frantically trying to search for my oldest baby, who was 1 year old at the time of the evacuation.  Every dream ends with me eventually finding her and we are eventually safe but the panic of looking for her during the dream is with me through out my day.  My biggest fear would have to be not being able to protect my children.  So big in fact I prefer not thinking about it.

***

Writing has really helped me through everything in my life. I tend to bottle my emotions so that I don’t have to really feel them and I often have a hard time expressing what I’m trying so hard not to feel. A blank page has become my most trusting friend and the most helpful therapist. I encourage all who endured the fire to try journalling.  If you don’t know where to start, try talking about your biggest fear(s), you might be surprised with what comes out.  I wish all my fellow Fort McMurrites healing, whatever way you find it ❤

Xo

Birchwood trails, looking towards the Thickwood golf course – 2014

Malakai’s Birthday Party!

Happy Monday!

The weekend was busy for us! Friday, we cleaned the house top to bottom and bought all the food for the party. Saturday, we cleaned again and got all the food we forgot – LOL! Then we waited for everyone to arrive!  I have to mention, Saturday morning I woke up to the house completely decorated! Nick stayed up ’til 3 in the morning cooking the pork roasts for our pulled pork sandwiches, which were DELISH, and decorated the entire house! What a great Daddy you are babe

Anyway, the day of the party I was super anxious because as soon as Malakai woke up she was in a terrible mood.  I’m not sure why, but she always picks exciting days like Halloween, Christmas, her birthday, to be either sick or extremely moody.  And, after she refused to nap my anxiety rose to an all time high.  But, thankfully as soon as everyone came she switched from the wicked witch of the west to beautiful princess Moana 🙂  She was smiling and laughing and being so silly.  She was dancing and just being her cute self. I was SO relieved. Usually she is really shy and hates large crowds but she was taking it all in and lovin’ every minute of it.

My crafty cool friend, Jen, made Malakai the raft from the Moana movie! It was such a hit! The kids loved it and it’s still in our living room because Malakai is obsessed. It’s now her favourite eating place too.  I love watching her play on it, I’ve never seen her use her imagination so much before – I love love love it!! Thank you, Jen!

As always I am blown away with the amount of love and generosity from my family and friends.  If not for you guys, Malakai’s party would not have been as successful as it was! Thank you for all your time, help, food, and gifts! Love all of you!!

Xoxo

Art by my talented Sister! ^^

Magic of the Morning and Schedules

You guys, I did it! I woke up early this morning!

I’ve been trying to do this for months now. Wake up an hour-ish before the girls wake up and get some much needed alone time to do the things I love; eat, write, drink coffee etc.  But, every morning my alarm would go off and sleep would always win. I’d hit snooze and that would be the end. Then, to make myself not feel like a complete loser I would tell myself how sleep was so important and I’m still breastfeeding so I’m extra tired and needed extra zzz’s and this whole getting up before the girls thing was overrated anyway. Ummmmm, well yesterday Alyssa, you’ve got so much to learn!

It is SO not overrated. I meditated in silence while the sun stretched it’s arms across the sky.  I did my morning pages in silence and sipped my steamin’ coffee… in silence. Now, I sit here, in silence, writing my blog. This is it, guys. The secret recipe to a happy stay at home momma is in the magic of the morning. The still of the silence. It is pure bliss, I tell ya! I am forever a believer in getting up early now. I am sooo not a morning person but this is worth it so I’m going to try my hardest to get up with my alarm from now on!

I’ve also been trying to get a schedule together that works with what I want to do and what I want the girls to do each day. I’ve made a zillion schedules before and have stuck to none, but just like getting up early, I really want this so I’m going to be super strict with myself and just do it! I’m going to give myself 3 months to get it down pat then I can tweak it with the new season.

I think the reason why my previous schedules failed was because I could never figure out what I should be doing in my alone time (morning or night) and what I could do with the girls. So, because I am a teacher at heart and need to write everything down, I thought it would be helpful to ask myself some questions before I started my new schedule. Here’s what it looked like: 

Once I finished, I realized most of what I valued for myself is what I also value the girls experiencing so why not do those things together!? That made it much easier to put together our day and divide my alone time for specifics things like meditating, writing and coffee ❤

Anyway, the girls are up and roarin’ to go. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us getting ready for Malakai’s Moana themed birthday party tomorrow!! 🙂 Can’t wait to show you guys all the pictures!

Have a great weekend everyone!

XO 

Happy 2nd Birthday Sweet Malakai

My baby, you’re 2 today. I’m trying to keep it together as best I can but my heart is beating a million miles a minute and it’s hard to catch my breath. I am so happy and sad, nostalgic and giddy.  I’ve been trying all week to write how much I love you but it’s impossible. I start and then the tears flow and everything I had written just doesn’t seem as significant as my love for you because there’s really no way to describe it. There are no words, my love. It’s too powerful. Too divine. And so, instead of writing just how much I love you I’ve decided to write the things I love about you.

I love:

Your piercing blue eyes, they’re like no other I’ve seen ❤

The colour of your hair and the way it smells after you’ve had a bath ❤

The smoothness of your skin and the little beauty mark on your back ❤

Your tiny hands that graze my arms while you try and fall asleep ❤

Your button nose ❤

Your teeth ❤

Your smile ❤

Your bum – you got it from your Momma 😉 ❤

Your laugh ❤

Your gentleness ❤

The way you love to share ❤

Your love for your beebee sissy ❤

Your love for the moon and rocks and birds and kitty cats and foo’s (dogs) ❤

The way you lay down on the ground outside and refuse to come in because you love outside so much ❤

Your squeal when Daddy chases you ❤

The way you try new things even though they are scary to you – my brave girl ❤

The way you repeat your words like ‘Tank youuuu, Mommy, Taaaaank youu’ and ‘Hiiii, Mommy, Hiii’ ‘Look, Mommy, look!’ ‘Moon, Mommy, Moon’ ❤

How you replace your P’s with K’s and say ‘Keeeys’ for “please” and ‘Kiggies’ for “piggies” ❤

Your love of music ❤

The way you sing ❤

Your voice ❤

The way you say “no” like it’s a question ❤

How much you love to cuddle ❤

The way you tuck your hand in the crease of our arms when you’re sitting next to Mommy and Daddy ❤

Your love of books and the library ❤

Your love for “sgetti” ❤

When you dance ❤

When you make silly faces with your sly smile ❤

The way you pat your hand on my back when you give me a hug ❤

Your sense of wonder ❤

When you hold sissy’s hand – you’re always protecting her ❤

The way you talk and giggle in your sleep ❤

The way you take an exaggerated breath when you find something neat ❤

Your kindness ❤

Your spirit ❤

Your heart ❤

I love everything about you, baby girl.

You are destined to do great things, little love – I know it.

I am so grateful God gave us the gift of loving you.

Happy 2nd Birthday My Sweet Malakai ❤

 

10 Things That Happened This Weekend

So much has been going on lately. A list is the easiest way for me to organize so here it is, 10 things that happened this weekend:

1. This weekend Nick’s uncle was laid to rest. The church was absolutely beautiful and the girls and I got to meet so many family members we’ve never met before. It was an emotional weekend but it was filled with so much love.  We will miss you Uncle Glen ❤ ❤ ❤
2. We had a lovely evening spent with Nick’s cousins, filled with wine (the best I’ve ever tasted thus far!!), and deep conversation. It’s such a blessing to be able to keep close relationships with extended family members.  Malakai had so much fun playing with her little cousin.  Truly an incredible thing watching the next generation play and love each other ❤
3. We stopped at my Mom and StepDad’s house and had some moose stew! It was delish. I haven’t seen my StepDad in forever and this was Ellanor’s first time meeting Papa so it was kind of awesome 🙂 My Mom has come up to stay with us for 2 weeks! She’s only been here 1 day and has done all our laundry, folded and put away and everything!! What a gem she is I tell ya. So happy she’s here with us ❤
4. Malakai said the F*&# word… so we are being more careful with our language! LOL
5. Ellanor has been the funniest, happiest little human lately.  She laughs at literally everything. So many people were holding her this weekend, I don’t think I’ve said, “Where’s my baby?” so much in my life. You bring so much joy my little Bee ❤
6. We spent time with Nick’s Dad. It was the first time seeing him in 9 months or so and it was the first time Ellanor met her Grandad ❤
7. Nick’s Aunt and Uncle spoiled us with dinner at Earl’s and two huuge gift bags of toys and clothes for the girls. (Thank you!) We love spending time with them! ❤
8. Ellanor had her first road trip and she did SO good! She only cried her head off for one out of five hours! And, we only had to stop twice! That’s pretty great I think!
9. We took Malakai to this indoor play park called Treehouse and it was so much fun! She was cruisin around everywhere and even crawled up to the top of the treehouse and slid down the slide!! That is a super brave act for her!
10. Yesterday, we celebrated all our March babies, there’s 5 including Malakai! All of my family went down to the Friendship Centre and we ate, had cake, watched the birthday peeps open their presents, and played bingo, all while the kids ran around wild and free.  That’s what I love most about our family gatherings, the kids just run wild, everyone helps out in keeping an eye on them so I feel at ease knowing my babies are being looked after by their aunts and uncles and cousins. I really attribute our family’s closeness to my sense of belonging in life.  Without all our family gatherings (sometimes its literally every weekend depending on the month), I seriously don’t know who I’d be today.  I love my family so much ❤

It was a whirlwind of a weekend to say the least. We started of mourning a death and ended it celebrating life.  There was so much love, so many hugs, and “I love you’s”, my heart is full of gratitude.  I was blessed with a crazy, loving family, and have been accepted with open arms into another loving family ❤ I have no words except THANK YOU. Thank you, thank you, thank you a million times over. 🙏🏼

Uncle Glen ❤

 
They held hands the entire trip 💕

 

Malakai made this picture for Uncle Jimmy ^

 

Photo cred: Grandad, Aunty Lainzy, Nitner, Moi 

To My Husband

Remember that time we were at the Snye and you swooped me into your arms, carried me into the water and threw me in?  Or, what about that time in Mexico when we took those shots with fire then hit the empty dance floor and danced and laughed the night away just me and you? Or how we used to park in the Thickwood Arena parking lot, in my little purple rusted car, with the seats all the way back so we were lying down and no one could see us and we would just talk about life and the future and laugh and argue and cry and make up again. We’d stay there almost all night! Or, how I would wear your Trapper’s football coat to all your home games even though I was drowning in it, and you would point out into the crowd after a touchdown and I would hold my hands over my chest to keep my heart from jumping out. Or, the night before our wedding, how we were supposed to party separately and sleep in different rooms, but we ended up drinking a little too much with all our friends and family and then stayed in our honeymoon suite a night early 😉 Do you remember?

Do you remember how much fun we used to have together?  How crazy and carefree we were? Please tell me you do.

Even though those days are long gone and we are in over our heads with diapers, debt and bills, I want you to know that somewhere under my puke stained pyjama’s is that crazy, carefree girl you fell in love with 10 years ago.  Even though her body and mind has changed, and she stresses about the littlest things and randomly cries and takes things too seriously and rolls her eyes at the thought of cleaning and making dinner, I promise you she’s still there somewhere, that fun-loving person you used to know.

Sometimes I lay awake at night thinking about the past, how things used to be when it was just you and me, and I really really miss it. But, then I look over at you fast asleep, Malakai’s hand on your chest and your hand over hers and my heart swells.  How did I get so lucky?

So much has happened and our love has grown and changed as much as we both have but I want you to know that I will always remember, I will never forget. I am still so in love with that cute boy I met by the fire that one night 10 years ago ❤

xo

Swimming in a New Pool

You know when you plan for something like to run a marathon but you’ve only just started walking recently and at first you feel jolted with enthusiasm and your motivation is just through the roof, but then you realize you’ve been walking now for a month and find it hard to even think about running at all, you’re so far away from where you want to be, and all of a sudden, that enthusiasm and motivation are replaced with doubt and gloominess.

That’s where I am right now.

I just feel so stuck. I want my life to be a certain way and it just isn’t. Then, I feel guilty for not being grateful for what I have.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Being a mom changed my life completely.  I used to wake up early, meditate, stretch, drink my hot coffee sip by sip, just taking it all in. It was a beautiful routine.  Now, I sleep in every chance I can get because I am always tired. I wake up with the girls and flail around like a crazy person changing diapers, making coffee and breakfast, playing, breastfeeding et cetera. I used to do 2 hours of yoga everyday!  Now, I can hardly have a 10min shower without a knock on the door.  I used to have abs…okay, now I’m gunna cry LOL.  Of course, I wouldn’t trade it for the world, I’m just learning to swim in a new pool now and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.  Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.  Haha, Finding Dory is on right now so I can write…

Anyway, I just need to accept where I am right now mentally, physically, and emotionally and just go with that. I am super blessed, even if I can’t do a sit up just yet, hah! I will get there again! I am determined. I will start meditating again, just this time it will be holding my 5month old so she doesn’t cry while my 2 year old is poking me in the face.  I will downward dog with a toddler on my back and kiss my baby on the forehead on my way into child’s pose. My daughters will not be my excuse, they will be my motivation.

I can still do the things I love it’s just going to be different, and that’s okay.  More than okay, actually… it’s kinda perfect ❤