For the last six months or so there’s been a word invading my headspace, my home, my family, and my life. That word is Autism. About a month after Ellanor started speech therapy, the therapist along with her Pediatrician and myself (to be honest) were having concerns that maybe she had more than a speech and language delay. And, so began the testings and referrals. After each assessment, as the professionals looked to Nick and I with tilted heads, soft eyes and sorry smiles, my heart would sink and I would leave feeling utterly defeated.
I spent the last months going through sort of a grieving process I guess you could say. There have been times where I am in complete denial. Times where I am filled with so much rage I want to stick both middle fingers up to the sky and say FUCK THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT. Then there are times when I can’t stop crying. Every song on the radio, every child I see playing, every person I talk to about it, every time Ellanor flaps or walks on her tip toes, I cry and cry and cry. And then, like a jolt of sudden energy, I am optimistic and I am reading and learning and involving myself in everything Autism just for this vicious cycle to repeat itself. It has been exhausting to say the least and the funniest part is that she hasn’t even received a diagnosis yet.
For a long while, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Everyone I would talk to would share their thoughts on the matter usually with an agreement that “It must be hard” and “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” and “I think she will be fine” as if having autism means you are not “fine”. All of these conversations I feel had loving intentions but they would only affirm to me that I was indeed a victim and had a right to this self-pity state I was in. But, like every time in my life where I’ve felt like I was drowning, God always throws me something to float on and this time it was in the form of two words that came from what I will call an earth angel.
I hadn’t seen this earth angel in a very long time and while we were doing the typical “So good to see you, how have you been!?” I started in on my pity party by telling her all about Ellanor possibly having autism. At first, she didn’t say anything. Just looked at me and watched as my face got hot and my eyes welled with tears about to spill and that is when she said the two most beautiful words I have ever heard, “So, what?”
She was relaxed, not smiling at all, but also not cold at all. She truly, warm-heartedly, thought, so what if she has autism? The blunt response took me by surprise and I nearly choked as I laughed, tears rolling down my face. I nodded my head crying, smiling, and agreeing.
“Yeah,” I said, “You’re so right.”
After that conversation, those two simple yet powerful words have become my mantra and I started thinking…
So what if she learns a little differently?
So what if she colours outside the lines?
So what if she spins herself into silliness and laughs hysterically by herself while looking up at the ceiling? *we need more people like this in my opinion*
So what if she isn’t considered to be developing or playing or behaving normally like her peers? What is normal anyway?
So what if she is diagnosed with Autism? Or ADHD or Anxiety or OCD or ODD or any other “disorder” they come up with.
What if she grows up and says she is gay or transgender? So What.
So what, so what, so what.
My love for her is unconditional. It is unchangeable, unstoppable, Almighty.
And, while I continue on this journey not knowing what the future holds, I will try my best to have this so what attitude and mindset. Because, as of right now, so long as we have our health and our love, nothing else matters.
❤
xo,
alyssa
Bee and Kai 