10 Random Things

Ten random things I’m going to ramble about to update you on my life 🙂

Okay, here we go.

1. We started spring cleaning about two weeks ago and we got so inspired we started painting and renovating and adding more and more to our to-do list. Good thing I like this kind of stuff!

2. Have you ever heard that cleaning and clearing space in your home cleans and creates space in your life? Well, I fully believe in energy and feng shui, chi, etc. – big Marie Kondo fan right here –  and anyway, when we started spring cleaning we decluttered the shit out of our house, reorganized everything from closets to kitchen cupboards and even tackled the junk drawer. Literally, a day after we finished a weeks worth of decluttering/cleaning we all got sick, like really really sick. I guess we are all in detox mode, spring cleaning our body, mind, house and spirit!

3. On that note, I was planning on writing a post on the kids’ zero technology use. How in the weeks we had no TV or I-pad use we witnessed their moods shift to happier, calmer, more cheerful toddlers.  They played more; alone and with each other. They were able to focus and engage more while doing puzzles, crafts, and listening to stories. Ellanor was forced to communicate more and I cannot tell you how much that has helped all of us! Everyone has been commenting on how her social skills have improved over this short period of no TV. Incredible! But, the best thing about having the TV off was the laughter. Our house was filled with much more laughter. Random dance off’s and full on concert performances; I was compelled to play with them, which at first I thought would be a little annoying since I feel like I get no “me time” as it is, but it turns out I am a much happier mom, wife and human when I play with my kids. ❤

I didn’t end up writing a post about it though, because the night I was thinking of it is the night I got sick and then both girls followed and we have been stuck on the couch with the TV on since. For this, the TV is a pure blessing. I love watching TV, can’t even deny it. There is nothing better when you’re feeling under the weather than to cuddle on the couch squished in your fuzziest blanket watching a cheesy rom-com or Netflix series. Even if that means for us, 5 billion Paw Patrol episodes in a row. I think though, that now that we are feeling better we are going to cut off TV for the girls and just allow it on the weekends! A happy medium. All about balance, right? 😉

4. I finished my 30 day weight loss program with Isagenix and lost a total of 12lbs. I feel more comfortable in my clothes and just all around much more motivated to continue on my health/fitness journey.  I hate talking about weight loss because it’s such a sensitive subject. On one hand, I am proud of my dedication and hard work and am excited to get to where I want to be but I’m also being cautious not to obsess, not to let it take over my life and become connected to my happiness. In the past, I have done some really unhealthy things to my body in order to look a certain way and so this time I am approaching it with a conscious effort to make my goals come from a place of love rather than insecurity and fear.

5. Which leads me to my next “thing”! I have recently become an affirmaholic.  I use affirmations on the daily now!  I’ve been meditating on them. Posting them on my bathroom mirror, on my fridge and my vision board. Malakai has become super interested in it as well; she contributed to our fridge and bathroom sticky note affirmations 🙂 She’s also been doing this mirror exercise with me where you look yourself in the eye and say, “Your name, I love you and I approve of you just the way you are.” The exercise is from a life-changing book I read about a month ago called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and it is an INCREDIBLY hard, emotional, transformative and healing thing to practice.  In the book, she basically associates everything wrong in your life with a lack of love for yourself. If you can love yourself you can have, do and be anything you want. Try it! Let me know how you feel after 🙂

P.S It is THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD to hear Malakai say to herself while looking in the mirror, “Malakai Mayers, I love you.” then she usually adds something silly like “and I love your butt and your poopy poop poop poop.” but still, I am proud 🙂

6.  I have been dabbling in poetry again! ❤ ❤ ❤

7. And, CBD/THC oil 🙂 ❤

8.  Ellanor has her appointment booked with Dr. Golden for this month! I am anxious. Equally nervous and excited. I am hoping for an answer whatever that may be, but I am also aware that there is a possibility I will hear, “Come back in a few months and we’ll assess her again”… which I guess isn’t so bad just annoying for an impatient Momma like me!

9. Malakai starts soccer in two weeks! 🙂

10.  We are going to Red Deer to visit our BFF, Chris, who just became a Daddy! His handsome lil dude was born on Malakai’s birthday! Isn’t that crazy!? Nick and Chris have been best friends since elementary school and he was the best man at our wedding, too. Now their first borns share the same birth date. So cool 🙂

And that is all!

Happy Spring Break! I hope wherever you go or don’t go and whatever you do or don’t do, that you savour each moment.

Breathe, laugh, smile, cry, dance, read, relax, eat, drink, run, yell, scream, be quiet, stretch, think, enjoy the present moment and all that other good shit 😉

xo,
Alyssa

This is Malakai’s affirmation. It says, “Thank you very much” ❤

 

So, What?

For the last six months or so there’s been a word invading my headspace, my home, my family, and my life. That word is Autism.  About a month after Ellanor started speech therapy, the therapist along with her Pediatrician and myself (to be honest) were having concerns that maybe she had more than a speech and language delay.  And, so began the testings and referrals. After each assessment, as the professionals looked to Nick and I with tilted heads, soft eyes and sorry smiles, my heart would sink and I would leave feeling utterly defeated.

I spent the last months going through sort of a grieving process I guess you could say. There have been times where I am in complete denial. Times where I am filled with so much rage I want to stick both middle fingers up to the sky and say FUCK THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT. Then there are times when I can’t stop crying. Every song on the radio, every child I see playing, every person I talk to about it, every time Ellanor flaps or walks on her tip toes, I cry and cry and cry. And then, like a jolt of sudden energy, I am optimistic and I am reading and learning and involving myself in everything Autism just for this vicious cycle to repeat itself. It has been exhausting to say the least and the funniest part is that she hasn’t even received a diagnosis yet.

For a long while, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Everyone I would talk to would share their thoughts on the matter usually with an agreement that “It must be hard” and “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” and “I think she will be fine” as if having autism means you are not “fine”.  All of these conversations I feel had loving intentions but they would only affirm to me that I was indeed a victim and had a right to this self-pity state I was in. But, like every time in my life where I’ve felt like I was drowning, God always throws me something to float on and this time it was in the form of two words that came from what I will call an earth angel.

I hadn’t seen this earth angel in a very long time and while we were doing the typical “So good to see you, how have you been!?”  I started in on my pity party by telling her all about Ellanor possibly having autism. At first, she didn’t say anything. Just looked at me and watched as my face got hot and my eyes welled with tears about to spill and that is when she said the two most beautiful words I have ever heard, “So, what?”

She was relaxed, not smiling at all, but also not cold at all. She truly, warm-heartedly, thought, so what if she has autism?  The blunt response took me by surprise and I nearly choked as I laughed, tears rolling down my face. I nodded my head crying, smiling, and agreeing.

“Yeah,” I said, “You’re so right.”

After that conversation, those two simple yet powerful words have become my mantra and I started thinking…

So what if she learns a little differently?

So what if she colours outside the lines?

So what if she spins herself into silliness and laughs hysterically by herself while looking up at the ceiling? *we need more people like this in my opinion*

So what if she isn’t considered to be developing or playing or behaving normally like her peers? What is normal anyway?

So what if she is diagnosed with Autism? Or ADHD or Anxiety or OCD or ODD or any other “disorder” they come up with.

What if she grows up and says she is gay or transgender? So What.

So what, so what, so what.

My love for her is unconditional. It is unchangeable, unstoppable, Almighty.

And, while I continue on this journey not knowing what the future holds, I will try my best to have this so what attitude and mindset.  Because, as of right now, so long as we have our health and our love, nothing else matters.

❤

xo,

alyssa

Yoga and Motherhood

This year I decided to finally get back into yoga and so I dove head first into six months of in depth training with Yoga Temple.  One of my assignments was to answer the question, What is Yoga to Me?  Here is my answer:

The easiest way I can explain what yoga is to me is to talk about motherhood which is actually kind of ironic considering my first yoga class was after recovering from my third miscarriage. I wanted a baby so badly. It was all I thought about, dreamt about and prayed for for two years straight. After my third miscarriage, I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed a break. Never in my life had I felt so betrayed by my body.  I needed to reconnect with her, with me. And so, after countless hours of scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, a yoga add popped up and I decided to attend my first class. I was hooked. I started practicing daily, going to workshops, learning about chakras, energy healing, and praynama and reading all I could on the subject. I was able to reconnect with my body, my mind, my spirit and before I knew it I was pregnant again with what would be my first successful pregnancy.

Thrilled, elated, extremely joyous. Those adjectives don’t even begin to describe how I felt carrying my baby full term.  I read all the books, bought all the unnecessary “necessities”, had all the parties and made all the plans. I was going to have a natural birth without any drugs. It was going to be a raw, natural, incredibly spiritual experience. There was no other way for it to happen after all, I was a yogi now. I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down. That is until I was induced two weeks early because they could not find a regular heart beat.  

I had no bag packed, and no plans on having my baby before her due date.  Thirty six hours of labour and multiple doses of whatever drugs I begged for, I ended up having an emergency C-section. I woke up to my baby on her Dad’s chest and immediately started crying. I was supposed to hold my baby first. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Every single thing I envisioned about my birth did not happen and to make matters worse my milk didn’t come in in time so I had to substitute my breast milk with formula which was a big no-no, especially for a yogi mom.

For months after, I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I spent years of praying, hoping, wishing and trying for a baby and now here she was, snuggled in my arms, the most precious beautiful baby I had ever seen and all I could do was cry. I was exhausted, frustrated, and angry. I felt so humiliated by my feelings, I hated myself. During that time I stopped practicing yoga. I was mad at the world and thought nothing would help so what would be the point in trying. It took me a while before I stepped on my mat again. Three years and another baby to be exact. But, when I did, it was like the universe whispered, “welcome home” which in reality what I probably heard was the instructor saying OHM. Either way, it felt good. A little intimidating but good. Just like being a new Mom.

Now, I am able to look back and laugh at myself for being so stuck in thinking things had to be a certain way. For imagining that pregnancy, birth, and motherhood went exactly as planned and that it would only be beautiful and extraordinary. Kind of like the time I attended my first yoga class. My make-up was on point, my hair done nicely in a cute little bun. I wore my sexiest sports bra and best pair of Lu Lu Lemons too. My intentions were to have a good workout, break a little sweat and look hot as hell while doing it.

Instead, after all my make-up melted down my face and my hair slicked back with sweat, I laid down for savasana and bawled my eyes out like a baby for the entire 10 minutes.

Both Motherhood and Yoga have brought me to my knees. With both Yoga and Motherhood I have experienced tears, fears, expectations, failure, disappointment, accomplishment, confidence, love, light, and laughter. Both continually teach me that surrendering isn’t a weakness but a strength. When I lay my head on my mat in child’s pose I feel a connection to a higher power. When I hold my daughters hands as they fall asleep, I am again, connected to that higher power. I use breath work while disciplining my now toddlers and practice ahimsa with myself by taking time to do things I love (like yoga) and not feel guilty about it. When I am on the mat, it is my kids I am breathing for. It is my kids that inspire my intention, my mantra, my prayers while practicing. It is them who cross my mind and fill my heart with love in my practice.

Yoga has taught me to be patient with myself, to love and accept myself the best I can, and to let that love expand and shine through everything I do. It has taught me that expectations are the murderers of joy and it has taught me that when all else fails, I still have by breath. I can always count on my breath to bring me back. Motherhood has taught me those things as well.

So, what is yoga to me? To me, yoga is motherhood.

Namaste ❤

xo,
Alyssa

Just Another Manic Monday

She’s crying again. Ellanor. She’s teething, I think.

I pick her up and let her nurse but after a couple sucks she’s doesn’t want it anymore and is back to crying. I bounce her. I walk around the living room doing half lunges trying to avoid stepping on the crayons and blocks that are scattered through out the floor from yesterday’s tantrum. The neighbours probably think I’m crazy. She cries louder. I bounce faster whispering “shh…shh…shh” over and over.

Malakai hands me the remote. She wants Barney – again. I’m so sick of Barney. I try for Daniel Tiger instead, fiddling the remote in one hand, bouncing and shushing Ellanor in the other. The intro song to Daniel Tiger comes on and Malakai hits the floor with a smack. Her tiny two year old limbs mimic thick spaghetti noodles as she cries her famous words “no, no, no”.

Please, Lord, not today.

It’s okay, I remind her, it’s time for breakfast anyway. I put Bee back down and give her something to chew on. That should keep her quiet for at least 3 minutes. I step over my flailing Toddler and go into the kitchen where I grab my coffee cup, nuzzle it in my two hands – it’s still warm – I close my eyes and down the entire thing like a swift shot of vodka. Breathe in,  breathe out, step over last nights macaroni + cheese stuck to the floor, rummage through the dishwasher to find a bowl because why would there be any in the cupboard where they belong? Why would any be clean, even? I rinse out the cleanest dirty bowl I can find. Fuck it. Good enough. Pour some yogurt in there, plop some blueberries in and breakfast is served.

I pick Malakai up off the floor though she wriggles and kicks and continues to protest with the most annoying “noooooo” in the world. I fight her into her chair, buckle, click – I win. She screeches and throws the bowl of berries + yogurt across the table. I smile and calmly tell her breakfast is important and remind her she’ll be hungry later if she doesn’t eat. How I managed to stage a sweet, patient voice frightened me. Who was this person?

Ellanor’s had enough now, she’s crying yet again so I go and pick her up, throw her on one hip and walk back into the kitchen. Malakai is kicking the table and repeating “no,no,no” but I just ignore her and open the utensil drawer, pull out a spoon and dig into the tube of yogurt on the counter. I stuff my mouth, swallowing gulps, ingesting as fast as I can before walking and bouncing my teething baby to sleep.

Finally, Ellanor is heavy in my arms and I unbuckle Malakai from her high chair and help her down. We go into the living room and she is horrified to find Daniel Tiger still on. Slam. Her body hits the floor again. Ellanor wakes up from the sound and I am now an outsider looking in. I watch myself as I walk sedately over to the television and turn it off. I hear more crying but I don’t know where it’s coming from. Both I assume.

I sit down on the couch, pull out my boob from my robe and nurse Ellanor back to sleep. Malakai climbs onto the couch letting out muffled whimpers through her hand that’s crammed in her mouth. Her face is red and wet with tears and I feel my eyes swelling and burning. But I don’t cry. Instead, I sit motionless, baby sucking on one side, two year old curled up in the fetal position, her little arms wrapped around my free one on the other side.

I stare blankly at the piles of clean clothes that lay wrinkled and unfolded on the dining room table and briefly I wish that I was somewhere else. Someone else, even. Oddly, I remember what we tell kindergartens at school to do when they get upset – blow bubbles. I blow hard forcing an exhalation that’s followed by a deep inhale.

I try again.

And again.

I am 5 years old. I am sitting here. Self soothing. Comforting others with no one to comfort me.

The flashback and self pity hit me hard and my chest tightens. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to drink an entire bottle of wine and get really really high. But then, as if God had finally seen my invisible white flag waving viciously in the air, my mind was silenced by the silence.

No more crying. No more whining. Not even a sniffle. Just pure, sacred silence.

I check to see if Malakai had fallen asleep but I see her eyelashes glitter. She gets up momentarily, repositioning herself into my body and then tilts her head back and up so she can see me. I meet her teary-eyed gaze and she smiles. My chest tightens again but this time it’s my heart mending, not breaking. She snuggles up, gives my arm a long, hard squeeze and gently kisses my wrist. A knowing feeling washes over me. I kiss her on the top of her head, close my eyes and together we breathe in the stillness.

Everything is going to be okay.