15 Books To Start Your Healing Journey

Hello All,

For those that know me, know of my love for reading. Perhaps, what most don’t know is what really hooked me into books was when I began my healing journey 11 years ago. I call it my healing journey because it was when I hit my “rock bottom” after another night not remembered and continue to this day to read to heal.

I was almost 18 years old when I reached my turning point. For years I had been heavily into drinking, drugs and the whole party life scene and I don’t mean your typical “experimenting with alcohol and drugs” as a teenager.

I mean full blown up-for-days, drinking in school, drinking and driving, completely-abusing my body with many substances. I was living on the edge but not living at all.

At a very young age I had become dangerously numb.

I won’t share exactly what happened that led me to waking up that one morning suddenly motivated to change but I will say there was a very cute boy who I now call my husband that grabbed my hand just as I was about to go under.

Would I say he saved me? No.

I don’t believe people can be saved. However, he supported me, encouraged me, and loved me for the crazy mess I was, but more importantly he saw me for what he knew I could be – for what I knew I could be.  And, for that I am forever grateful.

Looking back, I see the hurt I was carrying. The pain I was so desperately trying to hide from. I didn’t want to feel because feeling was too scary.  There was just too much to feel and it felt much safer to stuff those feelings with alcohol and drugs.

You see, since I was a little girl there was always a lot of alcohol abuse in our home. And, with the alcohol abuse came the violence and the nights I spent staying awake to make sure everyone was okay instead of going to sleep for school the next day. I had a split family but that went on in both homes so there wasn’t really a break from it until my teen years when I too, found an escape through the numbness of drugs and alcohol.

I do not blame my parents. Not for one second. The pain they faced in their childhood was much much greater than mine. It is a generational trauma that has affected our family for decades, but I am proud to say that it has stopped with me. I should say me and my parents. We are all healing now and at times it is still messy and incredibly uncomfortable but that’s what healing is; messy and uncomfortable.

My hope is that if anyone out there is new in their healing journey that these books will help open your heart and your mind like they did for me.

So, without further ado, here are the 15 (out of a gazillion) books that helped me on my healing journey. My wish is they will help you too ❤

1. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne.This was the first book I read on my healing journey and it set the stage for how I thought and what I focused my thoughts on. It gave me hope and opened my eyes to the possibility that truly anything is possible. 
2. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. This one was recommended by Oprah and was on amazon’s best spiritual and self help books list so I purchased it right away and fell completely in love with Eckhart Tolle and his beliefs about spirituality and letting go of your ego in order to build a new and better world.
   
3. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Like I said, I fell head over heels for this guy and so I ordered this one right after reading A New Earth even though I learned later that this one was written first. Whatever order you read them in does not matter it only matters that you read them! I’ve read this one twice now and still it had more to teach me the second time around.
4. The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls.  This is a memoir and not a self help book but in my opinion, storytelling in general is a form of healing and self help especially when it is true and you can relate. This book also recently became a movie so if you’re not a reader then I suggest watching the movie, it is an incredible story. 
5. The Celestine Prophecy by John Redfield. To this day, this is still one of my all time favourite books in the world. It is not a self help nor a memoir but it is an impeccable work of fiction that resonates so deeply with my soul and core beliefs that everyone and everything is connected. 
6. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Guys. If you don’t know who Brene Brown is you need to. Especially if you are trying to heal or better your life in anyway. She is my soul sister and she has no idea who I am. I LOVE HER. After reading Daring Greatly, I bravely said yes to teaching my first healing through writing workshop while I was two months postpartum. With a messy bun, no make up, and leaking boobs, I showed up and dared greatly. She is my hero. 
7. The Gifts Of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Again, I have nothing but positive, amazing things to say about this woman and again I read the books backwards as this one came out first. This one has been on my mind to read again lately and I just finished watching her new Netflix show Call to Courage. You need to watch it. And read all her books. Brene Brown everything I tell ya. 
8. After The Tears by Jane Middleton-Moz. If you are an Adult Child of Alcoholics you need to read this it will blow your mind. I think I actually said, “Holy shit!” out loud while reading this because it described things I do that I didn’t know why I did!     
9. Indian Horse by Richard Wagamese. This story stole and broke my heart and yet helped me heal and understand more about my own intergenerational trauma. He says, “You can’t understand where you are going if you don’t understand where you’ve been.” Richard Wagamese became my favourite Indigenous author after reading this book and I’ve devoured all of his work since. This book just became a movie produced by Clint Eastwood and I believe every Canadian needs to watch it. Here is the trailer for it: Indian Horse – The Movie
10. One Native Life by Richard Wagamese. This book by Richard is written in essays about his life. Reading about other peoples hardships and struggles is helpful in your healing journey to know you are not alone. I think this is my favourite work by him.
11. Carry On, Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton.  Glennon is hilarious and makes you feel like you are her best friend. This book is great for everyone but I would say it is geared more towards Mothers.
12. Love Warrior  by Glennon Doyle Melton. I actually read this authors work in order for once! This book really gets into her brutiful (brutal and beautiful) life as she calls it. She opens up about her eating disorder, her alcoholism and her struggles in her marriage.
13. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The Four Agreements are: 1) Be impeccable with your word. 2) Don’t take anything personally. 3) Don’t make assumptions. 4) Always do your best. They are rules to live by and when I heard Ellen Degeneres recommended this book I of course ordered it!! 
14. The Untethered Soul by Michael Alan Singer. This book was recommended to me by a yoga teacher and I absolutely loved it. It teaches you how to free yourself from patterns of pain and old habits, developing a new relationship with yourself.
15. You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.  I just recently read this book and am planning on re-reading it asap. Louise provides you with in-depth meditations, visualizations and powerful affirmations all geared toward forgiving and loving yourself as you are. It is one of the most transformational books I have read thus far.

There it is! I hope you find yourself snuggled with hot tea and one of these books on the couch soon! Keep a tissue box near by and remember healing is messy and uncomfortable and does not look the same for everyone. Please be patient and gentle with yourself along the way. It is a journey after all, not a destination.

Lot’s of love! ❤

xo,
Alyssa

 

10 Random Things

Ten random things I’m going to ramble about to update you on my life 🙂

Okay, here we go.

1. We started spring cleaning about two weeks ago and we got so inspired we started painting and renovating and adding more and more to our to-do list. Good thing I like this kind of stuff!

2. Have you ever heard that cleaning and clearing space in your home cleans and creates space in your life? Well, I fully believe in energy and feng shui, chi, etc. – big Marie Kondo fan right here –  and anyway, when we started spring cleaning we decluttered the shit out of our house, reorganized everything from closets to kitchen cupboards and even tackled the junk drawer. Literally, a day after we finished a weeks worth of decluttering/cleaning we all got sick, like really really sick. I guess we are all in detox mode, spring cleaning our body, mind, house and spirit!

3. On that note, I was planning on writing a post on the kids’ zero technology use. How in the weeks we had no TV or I-pad use we witnessed their moods shift to happier, calmer, more cheerful toddlers.  They played more; alone and with each other. They were able to focus and engage more while doing puzzles, crafts, and listening to stories. Ellanor was forced to communicate more and I cannot tell you how much that has helped all of us! Everyone has been commenting on how her social skills have improved over this short period of no TV. Incredible! But, the best thing about having the TV off was the laughter. Our house was filled with much more laughter. Random dance off’s and full on concert performances; I was compelled to play with them, which at first I thought would be a little annoying since I feel like I get no “me time” as it is, but it turns out I am a much happier mom, wife and human when I play with my kids. ❤

I didn’t end up writing a post about it though, because the night I was thinking of it is the night I got sick and then both girls followed and we have been stuck on the couch with the TV on since. For this, the TV is a pure blessing. I love watching TV, can’t even deny it. There is nothing better when you’re feeling under the weather than to cuddle on the couch squished in your fuzziest blanket watching a cheesy rom-com or Netflix series. Even if that means for us, 5 billion Paw Patrol episodes in a row. I think though, that now that we are feeling better we are going to cut off TV for the girls and just allow it on the weekends! A happy medium. All about balance, right? 😉

4. I finished my 30 day weight loss program with Isagenix and lost a total of 12lbs. I feel more comfortable in my clothes and just all around much more motivated to continue on my health/fitness journey.  I hate talking about weight loss because it’s such a sensitive subject. On one hand, I am proud of my dedication and hard work and am excited to get to where I want to be but I’m also being cautious not to obsess, not to let it take over my life and become connected to my happiness. In the past, I have done some really unhealthy things to my body in order to look a certain way and so this time I am approaching it with a conscious effort to make my goals come from a place of love rather than insecurity and fear.

5. Which leads me to my next “thing”! I have recently become an affirmaholic.  I use affirmations on the daily now!  I’ve been meditating on them. Posting them on my bathroom mirror, on my fridge and my vision board. Malakai has become super interested in it as well; she contributed to our fridge and bathroom sticky note affirmations 🙂 She’s also been doing this mirror exercise with me where you look yourself in the eye and say, “Your name, I love you and I approve of you just the way you are.” The exercise is from a life-changing book I read about a month ago called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and it is an INCREDIBLY hard, emotional, transformative and healing thing to practice.  In the book, she basically associates everything wrong in your life with a lack of love for yourself. If you can love yourself you can have, do and be anything you want. Try it! Let me know how you feel after 🙂

P.S It is THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD to hear Malakai say to herself while looking in the mirror, “Malakai Mayers, I love you.” then she usually adds something silly like “and I love your butt and your poopy poop poop poop.” but still, I am proud 🙂

6.  I have been dabbling in poetry again! ❤ ❤ ❤

7. And, CBD/THC oil 🙂 ❤

8.  Ellanor has her appointment booked with Dr. Golden for this month! I am anxious. Equally nervous and excited. I am hoping for an answer whatever that may be, but I am also aware that there is a possibility I will hear, “Come back in a few months and we’ll assess her again”… which I guess isn’t so bad just annoying for an impatient Momma like me!

9. Malakai starts soccer in two weeks! 🙂

10.  We are going to Red Deer to visit our BFF, Chris, who just became a Daddy! His handsome lil dude was born on Malakai’s birthday! Isn’t that crazy!? Nick and Chris have been best friends since elementary school and he was the best man at our wedding, too. Now their first borns share the same birth date. So cool 🙂

And that is all!

Happy Spring Break! I hope wherever you go or don’t go and whatever you do or don’t do, that you savour each moment.

Breathe, laugh, smile, cry, dance, read, relax, eat, drink, run, yell, scream, be quiet, stretch, think, enjoy the present moment and all that other good shit 😉

xo,
Alyssa

This is Malakai’s affirmation. It says, “Thank you very much” ❤

 

So, What?

For the last six months or so there’s been a word invading my headspace, my home, my family, and my life. That word is Autism.  About a month after Ellanor started speech therapy, the therapist along with her Pediatrician and myself (to be honest) were having concerns that maybe she had more than a speech and language delay.  And, so began the testings and referrals. After each assessment, as the professionals looked to Nick and I with tilted heads, soft eyes and sorry smiles, my heart would sink and I would leave feeling utterly defeated.

I spent the last months going through sort of a grieving process I guess you could say. There have been times where I am in complete denial. Times where I am filled with so much rage I want to stick both middle fingers up to the sky and say FUCK THE WORLD AND EVERYONE IN IT. Then there are times when I can’t stop crying. Every song on the radio, every child I see playing, every person I talk to about it, every time Ellanor flaps or walks on her tip toes, I cry and cry and cry. And then, like a jolt of sudden energy, I am optimistic and I am reading and learning and involving myself in everything Autism just for this vicious cycle to repeat itself. It has been exhausting to say the least and the funniest part is that she hasn’t even received a diagnosis yet.

For a long while, I was feeling very sorry for myself. Everyone I would talk to would share their thoughts on the matter usually with an agreement that “It must be hard” and “I’m so sorry you’re going through this” and “I think she will be fine” as if having autism means you are not “fine”.  All of these conversations I feel had loving intentions but they would only affirm to me that I was indeed a victim and had a right to this self-pity state I was in. But, like every time in my life where I’ve felt like I was drowning, God always throws me something to float on and this time it was in the form of two words that came from what I will call an earth angel.

I hadn’t seen this earth angel in a very long time and while we were doing the typical “So good to see you, how have you been!?”  I started in on my pity party by telling her all about Ellanor possibly having autism. At first, she didn’t say anything. Just looked at me and watched as my face got hot and my eyes welled with tears about to spill and that is when she said the two most beautiful words I have ever heard, “So, what?”

She was relaxed, not smiling at all, but also not cold at all. She truly, warm-heartedly, thought, so what if she has autism?  The blunt response took me by surprise and I nearly choked as I laughed, tears rolling down my face. I nodded my head crying, smiling, and agreeing.

“Yeah,” I said, “You’re so right.”

After that conversation, those two simple yet powerful words have become my mantra and I started thinking…

So what if she learns a little differently?

So what if she colours outside the lines?

So what if she spins herself into silliness and laughs hysterically by herself while looking up at the ceiling? *we need more people like this in my opinion*

So what if she isn’t considered to be developing or playing or behaving normally like her peers? What is normal anyway?

So what if she is diagnosed with Autism? Or ADHD or Anxiety or OCD or ODD or any other “disorder” they come up with.

What if she grows up and says she is gay or transgender? So What.

So what, so what, so what.

My love for her is unconditional. It is unchangeable, unstoppable, Almighty.

And, while I continue on this journey not knowing what the future holds, I will try my best to have this so what attitude and mindset.  Because, as of right now, so long as we have our health and our love, nothing else matters.

❤

xo,

alyssa

Yoga and Motherhood

This year I decided to finally get back into yoga and so I dove head first into six months of in depth training with Yoga Temple.  One of my assignments was to answer the question, What is Yoga to Me?  Here is my answer:

The easiest way I can explain what yoga is to me is to talk about motherhood which is actually kind of ironic considering my first yoga class was after recovering from my third miscarriage. I wanted a baby so badly. It was all I thought about, dreamt about and prayed for for two years straight. After my third miscarriage, I was exhausted mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. I needed a break. Never in my life had I felt so betrayed by my body.  I needed to reconnect with her, with me. And so, after countless hours of scrolling mindlessly through Facebook, a yoga add popped up and I decided to attend my first class. I was hooked. I started practicing daily, going to workshops, learning about chakras, energy healing, and praynama and reading all I could on the subject. I was able to reconnect with my body, my mind, my spirit and before I knew it I was pregnant again with what would be my first successful pregnancy.

Thrilled, elated, extremely joyous. Those adjectives don’t even begin to describe how I felt carrying my baby full term.  I read all the books, bought all the unnecessary “necessities”, had all the parties and made all the plans. I was going to have a natural birth without any drugs. It was going to be a raw, natural, incredibly spiritual experience. There was no other way for it to happen after all, I was a yogi now. I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down. That is until I was induced two weeks early because they could not find a regular heart beat.  

I had no bag packed, and no plans on having my baby before her due date.  Thirty six hours of labour and multiple doses of whatever drugs I begged for, I ended up having an emergency C-section. I woke up to my baby on her Dad’s chest and immediately started crying. I was supposed to hold my baby first. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Every single thing I envisioned about my birth did not happen and to make matters worse my milk didn’t come in in time so I had to substitute my breast milk with formula which was a big no-no, especially for a yogi mom.

For months after, I struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. I spent years of praying, hoping, wishing and trying for a baby and now here she was, snuggled in my arms, the most precious beautiful baby I had ever seen and all I could do was cry. I was exhausted, frustrated, and angry. I felt so humiliated by my feelings, I hated myself. During that time I stopped practicing yoga. I was mad at the world and thought nothing would help so what would be the point in trying. It took me a while before I stepped on my mat again. Three years and another baby to be exact. But, when I did, it was like the universe whispered, “welcome home” which in reality what I probably heard was the instructor saying OHM. Either way, it felt good. A little intimidating but good. Just like being a new Mom.

Now, I am able to look back and laugh at myself for being so stuck in thinking things had to be a certain way. For imagining that pregnancy, birth, and motherhood went exactly as planned and that it would only be beautiful and extraordinary. Kind of like the time I attended my first yoga class. My make-up was on point, my hair done nicely in a cute little bun. I wore my sexiest sports bra and best pair of Lu Lu Lemons too. My intentions were to have a good workout, break a little sweat and look hot as hell while doing it.

Instead, after all my make-up melted down my face and my hair slicked back with sweat, I laid down for savasana and bawled my eyes out like a baby for the entire 10 minutes.

Both Motherhood and Yoga have brought me to my knees. With both Yoga and Motherhood I have experienced tears, fears, expectations, failure, disappointment, accomplishment, confidence, love, light, and laughter. Both continually teach me that surrendering isn’t a weakness but a strength. When I lay my head on my mat in child’s pose I feel a connection to a higher power. When I hold my daughters hands as they fall asleep, I am again, connected to that higher power. I use breath work while disciplining my now toddlers and practice ahimsa with myself by taking time to do things I love (like yoga) and not feel guilty about it. When I am on the mat, it is my kids I am breathing for. It is my kids that inspire my intention, my mantra, my prayers while practicing. It is them who cross my mind and fill my heart with love in my practice.

Yoga has taught me to be patient with myself, to love and accept myself the best I can, and to let that love expand and shine through everything I do. It has taught me that expectations are the murderers of joy and it has taught me that when all else fails, I still have by breath. I can always count on my breath to bring me back. Motherhood has taught me those things as well.

So, what is yoga to me? To me, yoga is motherhood.

Namaste ❤

xo,
Alyssa

It’s been a while

Hi! I’mm baaack!

Remember me? Creator of this blog….been M.I.A for about two years? Yup, names Alyssa if ya’ll forgot! So happy to be writing again… it’s definitely been a while. Before I catch you up on what I’ve been up to for the past two years I should explain why I went M.I.A in the first place.

First things first, when I started the blog I was fresh into regaining my balance in my healing journey.  Everything was going great until it wasn’t. In about the span of three months, I lost my child home to flames (see post here), my mom was hospitalized and we were unsure of the outcome (she got out about a month later and hasn’t had a scare since), and tons of other family drama woven in between it all. Needless to say, it was a little too much for my fragile heart to handle at the time and I so badly just needed to pull back, go within and do some soul searching, alone.  Reflecting on all the emotions and stress during that storm, I am so proud of myself for taking cover and keeping warm the way I did.

I feel like that year was a decade ago and today I feel like a completely different person.

Stronger, braver, happier.

Has it been easy? Heck no. Not in the least bit. It was the first time in my life I sought help from an outside source. The first time I felt I truly couldn’t do it on my own. I signed up for counselling, went face to face with my present circumstances, dug into past pain, and cried more than I ever had in my life. So healing. I am a strong believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason and I am grateful for that year and all the lessons and healing opportunities it has provided.

Saying that, I really do feel better than ever and thus I am writing again. Yay!

Anyhoo… Here’s a little summary of the past two years and what I’ve been up to lately!

1. I went back to work at the Catholic School District as an Indigenous Liaison.  The feeling of waking up early, putting on make up, dressing in clothes, real clothes, not sweat pants or pajamas, and talking to adults for most of my day… Whoa, let me tell you, it was the best feeling ever. Fast forward a year and a bit, I am now working half time and loving the balance between mom life and work life. Actually, if I’m being completely honest, being home with my girls more has made me want to be a stay at home mom again! We will see what the future holds I s’pose 😉

2. My little Ellanor (Bee) has been seeing a speech therapist for about 6 months now. I was concerned about her lack of words around her second birthday (she had maybe 5 words by then?) and so I took her to her pediatrician who then asked me a number of questions about behaviour and such and long story short we are on the waiting list to see the infamous Dr. Golden to see if our little lady has Autism. This, along with some nightmare childcare experiences, is the reason Nick and I decided it would be best for me to work half time. It’s been about two months since we made the change and we have seen heaps of improvement in her language, behaviour, and over all development. Mama’s really do know best! And Daddy’s too, of course 😉

*I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank you to all of you who have reached out and supported us in this process with Ellanor. All the encouraging words and gentle advice, all the listening ears and shoulders I have wet, have been so greatly appreciated. We feel such an incredible love from family, friends and this community and there are no words but thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you ❤

3. I have almost completed my 200hr Yoga Teacher Training!!!! Just a few more assignments to hand in and I’m certified! Cannot believe it. Shari @ Yoga Temple, you are amazing. Thank you for your wisdom and for guiding me through these last 6 months. Namaste ❤

4. I finally got back into working out again and I’ve been feeling wonderful! I started the Isagenix 30 day weight loss program to shred my last few stubborn baby pounds and it’s been surprisingly easy. I don’t feel like I’m starving which is a huge plus because I get super hangry.

5. Just finished reading Tim Ferriss’ book, The 4 hour Work Week, which is life changing guys! Highly recommend it!

6. We have been going outside more and more recently. Everyday this last week! It is the best feeling. Nothing grounds me, connects me, brings me back to me and closer to God the way Mother Nature does. Winters here are hard and long and can become very depressing when you’re forced to stay inside, however, they say there’s no bad weather just bad clothing and I remember always being outside in the winter as a child so next year I am going to buy the proper gear and go outside as much as possible! No more excuses! Mother nature heals. And its free 😉

7. Every year we participate in Lent even though we are not Catholic or Christian (Nick and I were baptized Catholic but do not practice), but we do believe in God and we love Jesus! We also love Buddha and his teachings and I love learning about all religions but anyway, I digress! This year for lent, we have decided to give up screen time for the girls. That means zero TV shows, movies, I-pad etc. except if it is out of our control like going to a friends house and they have a show on.  Kay, this is so embarrassing but I was SO anxious about going through with this no screen time thing that I actually googled “how to have no screen time with your kids” Bahahaha. Oh man. Surprisingly though, it has been easy peasy and the benefits have been immense. More family time, more interaction, more giggles, more spontaneous dance parties. So fun! It’s been a week (we started early) and they don’t even ask for it anymore! Malakai keeps telling everyone our TV is broken but it’s getting fixed on Easter. Lol.

8. I’ve been writing a lot more. Obvi…But not just here. I’ve started a new project that has been tugging at my heart strings for years and I am so so happy about it. And scared shitless. But mostly happy 🙂

And, that is pretty much it!

Talk to ya soon! 🙂

Xo,

Alyssa

These are from this past summer done by my very talented friend Melissa Richard

Yesterday’s adventure on the Aboriginal Interpretive Trail by Mac Island

 

 

 

Just Another Manic Monday

She’s crying again. Ellanor. She’s teething, I think.

I pick her up and let her nurse but after a couple sucks she’s doesn’t want it anymore and is back to crying. I bounce her. I walk around the living room doing half lunges trying to avoid stepping on the crayons and blocks that are scattered through out the floor from yesterday’s tantrum. The neighbours probably think I’m crazy. She cries louder. I bounce faster whispering “shh…shh…shh” over and over.

Malakai hands me the remote. She wants Barney – again. I’m so sick of Barney. I try for Daniel Tiger instead, fiddling the remote in one hand, bouncing and shushing Ellanor in the other. The intro song to Daniel Tiger comes on and Malakai hits the floor with a smack. Her tiny two year old limbs mimic thick spaghetti noodles as she cries her famous words “no, no, no”.

Please, Lord, not today.

It’s okay, I remind her, it’s time for breakfast anyway. I put Bee back down and give her something to chew on. That should keep her quiet for at least 3 minutes. I step over my flailing Toddler and go into the kitchen where I grab my coffee cup, nuzzle it in my two hands – it’s still warm – I close my eyes and down the entire thing like a swift shot of vodka. Breathe in,  breathe out, step over last nights macaroni + cheese stuck to the floor, rummage through the dishwasher to find a bowl because why would there be any in the cupboard where they belong? Why would any be clean, even? I rinse out the cleanest dirty bowl I can find. Fuck it. Good enough. Pour some yogurt in there, plop some blueberries in and breakfast is served.

I pick Malakai up off the floor though she wriggles and kicks and continues to protest with the most annoying “noooooo” in the world. I fight her into her chair, buckle, click – I win. She screeches and throws the bowl of berries + yogurt across the table. I smile and calmly tell her breakfast is important and remind her she’ll be hungry later if she doesn’t eat. How I managed to stage a sweet, patient voice frightened me. Who was this person?

Ellanor’s had enough now, she’s crying yet again so I go and pick her up, throw her on one hip and walk back into the kitchen. Malakai is kicking the table and repeating “no,no,no” but I just ignore her and open the utensil drawer, pull out a spoon and dig into the tube of yogurt on the counter. I stuff my mouth, swallowing gulps, ingesting as fast as I can before walking and bouncing my teething baby to sleep.

Finally, Ellanor is heavy in my arms and I unbuckle Malakai from her high chair and help her down. We go into the living room and she is horrified to find Daniel Tiger still on. Slam. Her body hits the floor again. Ellanor wakes up from the sound and I am now an outsider looking in. I watch myself as I walk sedately over to the television and turn it off. I hear more crying but I don’t know where it’s coming from. Both I assume.

I sit down on the couch, pull out my boob from my robe and nurse Ellanor back to sleep. Malakai climbs onto the couch letting out muffled whimpers through her hand that’s crammed in her mouth. Her face is red and wet with tears and I feel my eyes swelling and burning. But I don’t cry. Instead, I sit motionless, baby sucking on one side, two year old curled up in the fetal position, her little arms wrapped around my free one on the other side.

I stare blankly at the piles of clean clothes that lay wrinkled and unfolded on the dining room table and briefly I wish that I was somewhere else. Someone else, even. Oddly, I remember what we tell kindergartens at school to do when they get upset – blow bubbles. I blow hard forcing an exhalation that’s followed by a deep inhale.

I try again.

And again.

I am 5 years old. I am sitting here. Self soothing. Comforting others with no one to comfort me.

The flashback and self pity hit me hard and my chest tightens. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to drink an entire bottle of wine and get really really high. But then, as if God had finally seen my invisible white flag waving viciously in the air, my mind was silenced by the silence.

No more crying. No more whining. Not even a sniffle. Just pure, sacred silence.

I check to see if Malakai had fallen asleep but I see her eyelashes glitter. She gets up momentarily, repositioning herself into my body and then tilts her head back and up so she can see me. I meet her teary-eyed gaze and she smiles. My chest tightens again but this time it’s my heart mending, not breaking. She snuggles up, gives my arm a long, hard squeeze and gently kisses my wrist. A knowing feeling washes over me. I kiss her on the top of her head, close my eyes and together we breathe in the stillness.

Everything is going to be okay.